I work for a VERY little company.  Last week one of the owners told me that the business acct had overdrafted.  I was annoyed but it isn't my money and I am not the accountant.  All I do is write the payroll checks after the owners tell me to.

This week they had me write a TON of checks to do bills, rent, payroll and such.

Just got a call from one of the owners and we got $700 in overdraft charges this week.

AFTER I had a serious discussion when they asked me to write the checks telling them I had written thousands of dollars of checks and to be sure they are covered.

UGH!

I took a class this weekend at the local scrapbook store.  I really love the store and the ladies who run it.  I enjoy walking in there and getting lost in all they offer.  I do not spend much, so I am sure they would live without my business, but on more than one occasion I have wondered how i would fare without their existance.

I have been looking forward to this class for 3 weeks. It is a handmade book which will have pockets and such for pictures, poems and thoughts. I plan on giving it to DH for valentine's day.  I have been so excited thinking of meeting new people and playing with new techniques and having something I can be proud of when I finished.  I visited 3 times last week just to look at the sample project and imagine how it will look in DH's new office.  

I walked to class.  This town is small and with my odd back issues, it is best that I walk when I can.  I felt the excitement building with each step. I was there a few minutes early and they were setting up the class.  I picked my seat and spoke with the instructor letting her know I hadn't done a class for a while and I would probably be slower than the other participants.

She insisted I wouldn't be and that all would be well.  I wandered the store as the class was still being set up and we were waiting for the other participants.  We finally started 15 minutes late.  I didn't think anything of it until about 10 minutes in the teacher told us that we were going to have to quit socializing if we were going to end on time because we started 15 minutes late.

This is the first thing that made my skin prickle.  I was here on time.  The instructor chose to wait for people who never showed up.  Why should my experience be altered because of that decision?  I decided to breathe and enjoy my class.

She then introduced a technique that I haven't used for 3+ years.  I have the tools at home and it was a technique I have enjoyed playing with, but I didn't say I had experience because so much time had gone by. 

I was enjoying how the colors went onto the paper. I was excited to see how they blended together.  I kept thinking of DH and how the colors would work for him being a man and all and I kept thinking how wonderful this Valentines was going to be.  I started working on the H aiku's I will write for him in my head and I felt that this was just "right."

The instructor went around praising the other classmembers. Loudly and in public saying how amazing they were and such.  She got to me and looked at my  finished 3 pages and she started telling me to put more color here and there and she grabbed a tool and started putting colors onto my page.  I was horrified but didn't say anything.

Our next step involved paperpiecing.  This IS NOT a new technique.  Piecing has happened for AGES in the quilting arts as well as the paper arts.  This is usually fun as it is like a puzzle  - figuring out which color and shape to put where and how many to layer.

Truly, I felt that my heart was singing.  I picked the paper I wanted to coordinate.  I started cutting and gluing and matching and layering.  Still thinking that I need to keep it manly so DH will be proud to have it in his office and not get teased by the guys.

Suddenly the instructor turned to me and said, "you are taking too long and are concentrating too hard.  This isn't that hard.  Here let me show you."  She then proceeded to take papers and place them on my page and make her own mix of where it should go.  "There now glue it.  We started late and if you keep taking this long you will never finish."

I was stunned and getting quite angry.  This is the first class i have taken at this store.

The same kind of behavior continued with criticism and intrusion.  Only ONE technique was taught in the whole 2 hours and that is the one I have done before.  I scooted along and quit thinking of the real reason I was there and who I was making the book for.

I just sailed through and threw things together.  The colors, the textures, the placement didn't sing anymore.  Just a task to complete to make someone happy (as I always do.).

I forgot to mention that through the whole class she was telling us that she was trying to get a book published.  Mentioned at least 100 times in 2 hours.  THEN at the end of the class she said "I need you to not publish pictures of what you have made on the internet and don't tell anyone where you made this book because I want to use this in my book and the publisher only wants unused/published work.  They won't ever check on the classes I teach here, but if it is on the web then they might find it and then it won't be in the book."

WHAT!??!?!  So because you are breaking the rules of the publishing world, I can't publish to my family website and the other trade websites what I have just worked on for 2 hours!??!?!

I will be honest, I let it ruin my day.  Even today I fight tears as I type this.  I took my book home to finish it where I can enjoy the process of creating it.  I can personalize it and I can pray over my DH as I create from my heart.

My next class (already signed up for) is with this lady.  I haven't decided if I will give her another try just in case she had an off day or if I will write her classes off in my plans.  I didn't tell ALL she said as she encouraged me to do some Basic Classes (I have been doing this for over 5 years - but she never asked just assumed).

I won't let it ruin the gift, but it did tarnish the experience.  I miss my colors and know DH would have loved them.  He will love this book because of what I put into it, I just wish I could say in my heart and mind that I love it too.
 

After reading the comments left yesterday and being inspired by Surrogate (I believe that is who posted "show him this"), I discussed with the hubby.  I didn't show him the post, I just repeated it to him. 

At first, he came home and ignored me, so I figured that it was going to be a long night but right after his shower he sat on the couch and said he was sorry for last night. 

When we talked about the whole thing he said he didn't see events like I do.  He takes each individual one as it comes. So he never put the fact that I have been asking for a budget and then me giving him the solution and trying to cheer him up in the same chain of events. To him they were each individual happenings so he was actually upset that I got upset about our finances.

It is a strange way of thinking to me, but I guess people think differently. I know I think on a linear calendar year (Jan to Jan) and he thinks more in a rolling calendar, so it would make sense that we think differently in other ways as well.

BUT ON TO TODAY!  

This morning I did all the handwash dishes and put some lentils on.  It is our first time using our crock pot we got for the Wedding. It is just a little too small to do a double batch of the Lentils, so next time I will figure out the recipe for 1.5 batches.

Hubby says it smelled good when he went home for lunch. I am glad.  

Our Vacuum arrived this morning. We have to put it together, but I am very excited. Tonight for the first time in 7-ish weeks we get to vacuum!!!!  YIPPEE!!!

A care package of veggie foods arrived from my mom and step-dad!  That will make these 2 weeks of eating whatever is in the house more fun!  *grin*  I love my veggie food. It was even more cool because they shipped it from Back East and put dry ice in it and the foods stayed frozen!

Totally can't wait to get home today!

Tomorrow morning bright and early is oru first UltraSound.  We get to find out a due date based on the growth.  According to the calendar we should be at one due date but according to the measurements we are measuring quite large.  We will know which one is correct the one that we think (which is later in the year) or the one we are measuring to which is end of June/beginning of July.

Anyway must go back to work. Just wanted to share that there was a talk and that made me feel better
 

how they became that? 

While I do not have statistics to back up my next statement, I would venture to say that a large percentage of people do not prefer to be seen as nagging.  I will grant that there are a couple handfuls of people who like to make others miserable, but for the most part, I don't think that anyone has the intention to become the "nagging wife."

This is forefront in my mind because I can see it happening to our relationship and we have only been married 7-8 weeks. 

Aren't we supposed to still see each other through rose-colored glasses?  Aren't we supposed to be oogling each other all the time?   Aren't we supposed to look forward to going home after work?

Last night a few things came to a head and to my credit I DID NOT say I told you so, although I have since the day we were married and actually weeks before.

1.  We are in a horrible money crunch. It will only last till DH gets his 1st paycheck in Feb, but it was avoidable.  So last night DH is saying we are out of money till Feb and I tell him all I hear is numbers and him complaining and I would like to see how bad it really is.  I requested he get a piece of paper and show me. 

DH has insisted on being the money person.  He has a perception of me as being a horrible money person because I have made some bad choices in my 31 years and have $6000 in student loans and a car loan.  He hasn't ever had either. 

Truthfully I was excited for him to be the money person as he spends money differently than I do and I thought it would help us get on the same page if he was the one doing all the payments and such.  

I have asked him to sit with me and make a budget and a plan for our finances and I have said that if he will sit with me to do this I will maintain Quicken and will keep our tracking to our goal of out of debt by Jan 2009 posted in our office.  

He agrees that we should do that but NEVER sits down to do it and NEVER writes down a budget.  OK here we go!

We have made some MAJOR purchases this month which we didn't NEED to make.  Each time I asked him to tell me where we were with our money and to show me what else needed to be paid.  Each time he said he didn't have it written down and that we are going to be fine if we make said purchases.  OK I followed along.

Then we get to last night and lo and behold. There  are bills he has forgotten about.  There are bills which were higher this month than last and there are new bills which are starting this month.  None of which were planned for.

So I got a very grumpy husband who kept feeling sorry for himself because he is "a bad provider." and so I played the role he expected only later realizing how pissed off it made me.  "no, honey.  All couples go through this.  We will be fine.  Here is the solution."

Then I handed him the solution all neat and tidy and wrapped in a bow and what did I get?  Nothing.  No thank you.  No wow, now I feel better.  Nothing.

In fact at one point he actually was VERY rude to me (verbally) and yelled at me.  I calmly but forcefully said, "I know you do not talk to XYZ co-worker that way.  You will not speak to me that way."

Now, I feel that had I insisted (which would have been perceived as nagging) that we write our budget and stick to it we wouldn't be here. But i didn't want to be the new wife who nags and I held my tongue. 

It seems counter productive.  This past weekend in church our pastor said that we need to not nag and just pray and that by praying all these things will be solved.  It may take 20 years but it will resolve in the Lords timing.

I just cringe.  Can that really be the answer?  If so, I have a long 60 years left in my life and today I do not think I am up for it.

I love my DH but there are times when I seriously wonder if we should have married.  I don't want to fight all the time.  I don't want to be yelled at.  I don't want to argue over money.

Yet here I am.

Probably normal huh?  I don't want to be normal in my marriage.  Normal means inevitable divorce in our society.

Since this seems to be a bigger issue than when I started writing, I will not post the others right now. 

 

ok - wedding happened without too much hoopla. move happened in the same manner we confirmed with the dr last week that a little one is going to be incubating in my belly.

We are pretty excited about that the move has been hard in some ways and it has been very clear that i need humans to stave off loneliness and depression while DH (dear hubby) is an introvert and is fine with all the nights of just us together.

I have never been a proponent of living together before you get married, but there are times when i have wondered if we would have married had we done so. we did tons of counseling and pre-marital classes and such and still decided to get married, but the clothes left on the floor all the time and the counters never being cleaned are enough to drive me crazy.

They DO get counterbalanced by some VERY nice gestures such as DH going outside in the wee hours of the morning to check my power steering fluid is ok.

learning that we have different times of energy is another thing. I feel very lazy because this pregnancy thing has me quite tired. DH does many chores while I nap and then I feel like i am not contributing. Money has been an eye opener as well.

I do not make anywhere near what I used to so my spending has changed and it is sooo hard to rely on DH for my bills to be paid. I do not know if this is a pride thing or what, but it is hard. Ok I think all is caught up. Now I can continue posting more interesting posts at least I hope they will be of interest.

Wow this getting married thing is so much more serious than I think I realized at first.

Tomorrow i have to officially turn in my notice. I believe I am experiencing a few mini panic attacks.  I am ending my current career so I can move 1.5 hours away to where DF lives and works.  I will depend on him for most of the financial income and I am scared.

I am not used to this. I don't want to appear as a mooch.  I just don't know what to do.  I know the reality which is that there isn't a choice.  I picked DF so this decision is made.  

heavy heart  but I know it is for a better thing.  I know it is best for us.  I know this will be good for our relationship but am still worried.

isn't life odd? 

Sunday I rolled my ankle outside of my work.  I ended stepping on the top of my foot.  I have amazing bones which do not break.  Unfortunately if they HAD broken the sprain wouldn't have been such a bad one and apparently breaks are the preferred way of handling these types of things. 

I am working on going on a medical leave.  Since I haven't been with my company for over 1 year I am not protected by FMLA.  I am pretty ok with that.  A little nervous based on the time of year and such, but not really worried as there are other things I can do.

My BIG issue is that my boss asked me to come to work today.  The first 40 hours of the medical leave must be unpaid.  They can be covered by my vacation, but if I go in today then I have to start my 40 hour clock all over.  I am already 24+ hours into the 40 hours I need this week.  If I work today and my foot swells worse then I will be out again tomorrow.  that will restart my timer.

The problem is that i just learned all this this morning and I am supposed to be there in 5 hours.  My immediate boss is at an offsite today, so if I can't make it in, I believe there will be no one else to work. 

A frustration is that I called the HR people 48 hours ago and they didn't respond.  I recalled again today and that is when they told me all this news.  I have called the Dr office for the info the HR people are asking for.  Now am waiting for the Dr to call back.

I guess i shouldn't worry so much about work, but i feel responsible for the shift and I don't want to restart the 40 hours unpaid.  because in my case that would make it 64+ hours unpaid.  That is a LOT!!!!

I feel like i just need to quit worrying about everyone else and do what is right for my foot.  But that is easier said than done.

Sunday I rolled my ankle outside of my work.  I ended stepping on the top of my foot.  I have amazing bones which do not break.  Unfortunately if they HAD broken the sprain wouldn't have been such a bad one and apparently breaks are the preferred way of handling these types of things. 

I am working on going on a medical leave.  Since I haven't been with my company for over 1 year I am not protected by FMLA.  I am pretty ok with that.  A little nervous based on the time of year and such, but not really worried as there are other things I can do.

My BIG issue is that my boss asked me to come to work today.  The first 40 hours of the medical leave must be unpaid.  They can be covered by my vacation, but if I go in today then I have to start my 40 hour clock all over.  I am already 24+ hours into the 40 hours I need this week.  If I work today and my foot swells worse then I will be out again tomorrow.  that will restart my timer.

The problem is that i just learned all this this morning and I am supposed to be there in 5 hours.  My immediate boss is at an offsite today, so if I can't make it in, I believe there will be no one else to work. 

A frustration is that I called the HR people 48 hours ago and they didn't respond.  I recalled again today and that is when they told me all this news.  I have called the Dr office for the info the HR people are asking for.  Now am waiting for the Dr to call back.

I guess i shouldn't worry so much about work, but i feel responsible for the shift and I don't want to restart the 40 hours unpaid.  because in my case that would make it 64+ hours unpaid.  That is a LOT!!!!

I feel like i just need to quit worrying about everyone else and do what is right for my foot.  But that is easier said than done.

DF and i have gone to a counselor before (aka  CK).  DF really connected with CK and we learned a ton about communication and other things.  It was great to do during our dating time and then we stopped going when we began our Marital Classes. 

DF called CK today and we are getting advice from him.  He has told us that we are not dealing with anything that can not be changed.  He believes it is a behavior (the compulsive lying and the drinking) which can be changed.  He stated that in his experience the hardest step is convincing someone they have a problem.  Since DF already admits that, CK feels that our wedding doesn't need to be stopped.

He gave some suggestions for things that DF and I need to do and well that is where we find ourselves. I am too scared to say the wedding is back on.  Only those who read this and my mom and sister know.  We aren't announcing anything until I feel more certain one way or another.

Tomorrow I will speak with my manager about going on a leave.  I need a medical leave for an accident I had at work and truthfully i need a personal leave.  I might just step down from my level in the company to a lesser role.  I hope that will be able to be done.  I really need it right now.

Do I trust the counselor and marry the man I love with his  "issues" and all or do I call the wedding off 4 weeks before it is to take place and wait it out?

I feel that i want to believe the counselor, but I don't want 2, 3, 4, 5, 10 years to pass and continue to kick myself for not reading the signs before we say "I DO."

I don't know how to make this leap of faith.  It  is a gamble and i am not sure what the right ending is.

WOW 

Maybe the wedding will be postponed.  DF (Dear Fiance) doesn't know this yet.  Basically the issues are these:

1.  DF is from an abused family situation and he has learned to lie to his loved ones to tell them what he thinks they want to hear so he doesn't have to "pay."

2.  DF lies about how much he drinks and I think he might be an alcoholic

3.  DF believes it is my place to manage the relationship we have with his mother.  I disagree as have our counselors.  He still says he wants me to manage the relationship with her. 

I dont' have the energy to deal right now.

 he isn't calling or txting.  long night

What a morning. It started out so well.  Breakfast.  A great time filling in answers to a book about us.  Great coffee - ok food:)

We got back to my place and I went to the computer. There was info written on paper in front of my computer screen. I casually looked at it and then I looked again.  The names and addresses to 2 females in my DF (Dear Fiance)'s life were there.  These aren't just any females.  These are 2 females whom I hate and despise.

These 2 females have publicly treated me like Shit and DF has never addressed it with either of them.  He was there for the incidents and still to this day there hasn't been any tiny bit of address to them.

Now he wants to invite them to our wedding?  He admits he knew it would be a drama conversation.  He admits he knows that I do not want them there.  So, I ask, why would he want them to be there.

I asked him how he got their info and apparently they have been txt msging this week.  

I do not contact my exs at all. I do not have anyone in my life who has publically or privately humiliated him.  If I did, they would be confronted and immediately cut off from my life.

 Not DF - he wants these females to be at our wedding and reception.

 I do not understand!

Anyone understand?

 

Tonight I went with the MOH (maid of honor) to see if we liked the cake at this local bakery.  We had a great time and boy was the owner patient.  The cake is now ordered and we will make payments till a few weeks before the wedding.  I am very excited about it as it is going to mirror a few of the themes of the wedding.

 cream black and burgundy

swirls cupcakes cake to cut for us

I am pretty excited as I was going to make our cakes.  I really feel less stressed now.

 I still think that Vegas would have been cheaper, but I know we will have a wonderful day.

I have been listening to the news and they keep talking about the Phoenix Airport incident with Carol Gotbaum. I have heard that there are family members blaming the police for not knowing her fragile state. Also blaming the general Phoenix public for not just putting an arm around her to help her calm down. Also the airport for not being more attentive to her. Also the airline for not being on time.

What i do not understand is if this woman was so fragile, why didn't HER FAMILY take care of her? Why didn't a FAMILY MEMBER fly with her? Why wasn't a FRIEND or FAMILY MEMBER there to take responsibility of her and to ensure she arrived at her Rehab on time and safely?

How is this everyone elses issue?  Shame on her family for deserting her in her time of need AND how shameful for them to blame everyone else for their failure.